Have you ever had someone say, ‘But you’re strong,’ like that somehow makes it okay to dismiss what you’re going through?
If you happen to be a capable, strong, helpful person, you’ve almost certainly heard these words.
Recently, I was talking with friends and the topic of being ‘the strong one’, came up. In so many settings and places and with people we care about and have helped have dismissed us with just a few words. Who would think a few words would have the power to shatter trust, acquaintances, and change friendships?
It all might start quite unknowingly. One person taking to another, but the end results changes your world. One friend seeking the support from another only to be told, “but you’re the strong one. I rely on you,” “You cannot let me down,” or “I cannot handle this, you are the strong one.” Or beginning to tell a friend work concerns, only to be interrupted by stories of their child. And at work having to give up team members to another team, because you are strong and can adjust better than the other person who’d been given your valued team members. I’ve experienced and heard too many of these stories.
How do those who rely on the strong ones think the strong ones live? Do the strong live in a protective bubble away from all harsh life experiences?
As one who has been told I am “the one,” I want to let it be known, even the strong people need support. And if you are the valued person chosen to support them at that time, rejecting them because they are strong, is disrespectful.
I want to be there to support others. However, when I could see support and am rejected, I no longer feel as though the relationship is mutual or reciprocal and no longer has my same investment as was once there.
We all need support. Support helps bring community together. I am not defining support as constant and forever bringing the very same issue with out any effect toward resolution from the concerned party.
If you have a concern you want to changed, you also have a responsibility to attempt to bring forward resolution. Or if you simply want to vent concerns and seek nothing from another other than to be the sounding board, you need to tell the other person you only want to vent without input or expect full attention. Both venting and offering support to another who wants to change something, gives each of us an opportunity to understand one another and an empathy for others trials, attempts, and ways to achieve a result.
However, there have been many women’s group who have maintained a rule that the same exact concern can be brought to another three times. On the fourth time, bringing the same concern without any attempt on the complaining persons part to resolve, should expect a back to be turned to them. This means if you have a concern you want others to pay attention to, you can bring that one concern up only 3 times without your trying to find a solution before it no longer an active concern. Instead of it being an active concern it has changed to just a complaint you are not willing to do any work on in attempt to resolve. If though you do try something, whether the action is successful or not it becomes a new concern And can be brought forward again.
The action of expecting another to take some responsibility of action or turning away is one way of offering support to another and an understanding that tall can be supported (even the strong) as long as they are actively trying to find solution.
Being supportive for one another is important. It’s just not the lesser strong who need support. We all, at times, need support, even the strong. Showing strength to support one another builds community, empathy, and understanding.
I’d rather build community through understanding, empathy, and support than fear and compliance. It’s a way to help us all move toward our authenticity and community of diverse multi beings. Support one another, strong and lesser feeling so we can all thrive and be successful In our community.